Context: Some guys audiotape their guido friend tripping on acid and/or shrooms, then animate it. Hilarity ensues.

I will post the full script soon.

Oh, also, check out Boards of Canada. They’re a pretty kickass band.

The perpetrators are almost always female, and consist of updates that are like “I did this this this today, everything is FANTABULOUS I HAVE THE BEST OF FRIENDS SMOOCHES”, or “My life is amazing, I love everything about it, today was the best day ever, blah blah blah”.

There are two major reasons why these updates piss me off. First, anybody who has ever existed in the real world knows that its physically impossible to be as happy as they are attempting to portray themselves as all the time. Its ridiculous, and a facade…which leads me to my next reason: manipulation. Women are naturally manipulative creatures, and not just to men; to other women, and more than anything…themselves. Women HAVE to convince themselves their lives aren’t as sub-par or shitty as they actually are otherwise they’d go fucking insane. Most of them don’t have the mental fortitude to survive a life that isn’t plagued by ridiculous and undeserved expectations (see: Sex and the City), let alone their “normal” lives. So they overdramatize their lives and make them seem highly more interesting, fun, and “sunshiney” than they actually are, with primary motives being for self-help and secondary being to fool others into being jealous of their OMG TOTALLY AWESOME LIVES LOL.

tl;dr? - Girls who have status updates constantly touting how awesome their lives are are fucking liars, and probably bipolar.

First things first; comments. Some of you aren’t complete fuckers and comment every once in a while, but for the most part I don’t really give a shit. But nothing can explain the unadulterated joy I felt when I logged in this morning and saw 800+ some comments….they like me! They really like me!!! (LOL GET IT CUZ THAT ONE TIME SALLY FIELD SAID IT)

Of course they were spammers, spamming the fuck out of me like spammers do. The thing I don’t get, while a majority of them were telling me how to make my junk bigger, a lot of them are also just fake ego-strokes, with nothing but a link attached. What the hell?

Uh, thanks, but I don’t accept compliments in broken English, as many Koreans are learning the hard way. Anyways, it seems most spammers are basing their spamology on who-fucking-knows what logic, but I’m guessing they think i’m going to click on said attached link because they gave me a compliment that makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Yeah, asshole, cause I really think that “Brandon@yahoo.com” is a legitimate email address. When was that created, 15 years ago? “O Brandon, godfather of the internet, I thank thee for spending your time reading my shitty blog instead of selling that email address for a shitload of money. By the way, do you insure boats?”

Although, I will admit “insuranceturd.info” is a pretty hilarious domain name…but of course the webpage is just a broken link with some bad code.

In other news, here is some funny stuff. There was other stuff, but this is the only stuff I can remember.

The 5 Most Badass US Presidents Of All Time. Awesome

Thinking of starting a heavy metal band? Follow the flow chart. (I linked because the image is quite large. Hilarious, though.

Some people are placing bets on when Patrick Swayze will die. I’m not one of these horrible creatures, but i’m also not a compulsive liar. Either way, a member made this picture and it pretty much made my day:

In slightly less hilarious but still pretty cool news, when I was spending hours reading Wikipedia the other day because thats perfectly normal to do, I came across the flag of the famous pirate Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard’s pirate flag:

There’s nothing particularly amazing about it, I just thought it was cool for being made about 300 years ago. It looks like it’d be a t-shirt for a band or a cool album cover or something. I especially like the heart. Cause its getting stabbed by a demon with a spear. And as many Emos will tell you, thats what getting dumped feels like, especially when they do it on prom night when you were supposed to be their date but then you catch her on her knees with the quarterback in the mens bathroom and you run out the front doors sobbing and drive home and get wasted off of your parents leftover wine coolers and then my mom found me in my underwear curled up next to the washing machine the next morning. Kinda like that.

Women don’t like me. Especially educated ones. Educated women are the worst because they think they
A. Know what they’re talking about
B. Should be held to a different standard to the rest of the female population.
C. When they aren’t, they get bitter and angry. They either turn into lesbians, feminists, (or both), or just let themselves go completely claiming they don’t care, but deep down still wanting to meet “the one” who will save them.

Example: There is a female who was in my sisters graduating class, 2 years older than me in highschool. I wasn’t much of a standout in highschool, but in college apparently she started to pay attention to me. Thing is, she wasn’t hot, nor particularly interesting, and somehow must have thought her being older, somewhat popular in highschool (which we were no longer in), and intelligent would have been things that would attract me to her. Big mistake ladies. Anyways, she kept messaging me to hang out and other statements that obviously alluded to her wanting to relate to me on an intimate level, even getting to texts and calls, which I responded to and took politely at first, but inevitably eventually ignored. Most girls, it seems, after being spurned romantically, resort to the next best possible way to best someone who has rejected them: Intellectual superiority.

She thought she had this. She does not. We had a few discussions in regard to my misogynistic comments I placed here and there, either on facebook or away message, etc. and I just now saw she defriended me on facebook. I’m not sure exactly why, nor do I really care, but I can only assume that it frustrated her seeing updates about me that I’m not only doing decently okay, but fantastic in life. Not to mention I owe most of it to my impartiality to women and emotions in general, something many people incorrectly assume is some sort of negative trait.

That is all for now. She liked me, I didn’t return it, she tried to make me look like a fool, didn’t work and in all likelihood I turned the tables on her, she got frustrated with me that someone who she now genuinely (but not legitimately) dislikes isn’t failing horribly at life and takes me off of her friend on facebook. The quintessential “out of sight, out of mind” phenomenon. The most interesting part of it all is that I’m sure she thinks she’s “right” about something in regard to our interaction, when, aside from the real-time discussions, she or anything about her has never crossed my mind once in regard to a threat or competition.

Again, I apologize if this is slightly scattered, but I need some sleep. Cheers.

See? Its funny because its a way you can tag your friends in these pictures hence categorizing them in not only a comical cartoon role but also showing off to everyone your (seemingly mostly wrong) observational skills.

First off, fuck this. Its only going to get worse over the next several months and people will once again fail to realize a retarded fucking social networking meme and conform because everyone is doing it and they (incorrectly) think its cool/funny/whatever else lame excuse you use to justify your idiocy. On top of it obviously being stupid as hell in the first place, it also succeeds in not only labeling people with one particular identity that supposedly defines them almost entirely in your book, but also gives people a false sense of importance. Example: “OMG SHE TAGGED ME AS THE BAD BOY/PARTY GIRL!!! I SUPPOSE I AM SOMEWHAT OF A BAD BOY/PARTYGIRL LOL I’M GLAD THEY PEGGED ME THAT WAY AS THE ONLY BAD BOY/PARTYGIRL OUT OF EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET EVER.”

I especially like the last one, with the comic book characters. How in the FUCK is ANYBODY getting tagged in that anything at all like a comic book character in real life. Sure, there are personality traits that may be similar, but besides the really popular and publicly whored out ones from movies and TV (batman, wolverine, spider man, and iron man, for example), none of these fucking idiots knows anything about the often complex, fucked up personalities of the characters. These are idiot bitches and dumb ex-jocks, now partyboys who are filling these things out, not intelligent geeks. “OKAY LOL BRENDON IS BATMAN BECAUSE HE IS MYSTERIOUS AND SULKS AROUND A LOT, JEFF OVER HERE IS WOLVERINE BECAUSE HE HAS SIDEBURNS AND WORKS OUT A LOT, LUCY IS SPIDER MAN BECAUSE SHE’S REALLY FLEXIBLE AND HAS A DORKY PERSONALITY, AND MIKE IS IRONMAN BECAUSE HE DRINKS A LOT AND IS A STUD WITH THE LADIES. YEAHHHHHH!!!”

God dammit. I seriously hate everybody.

Jon Steward pwning Bill O’Reilly? I’m down for that.

My freshman year R.A. has been severely affected by the economy: OUT OF OPTIONS.

And I bring you a new segment, embarrassing-ass myspace and/or facebook pictures and profiles. Ladies and gentlemen…meet “Queniece” (Who i’m sure used Cornify.com to spruce up her profile…):

I’m sure you guys heard about the Chris Brown/Rihanna fiasco this week, and to commemorate it Mr. Brown is dropping a new album.

And last, but not least, I would like to post the image that makes my week, especially since I work with a bunch of tech dweebs who have absolutely no social skills whatsoever (but only for 5 more days!!!) I give to you: “How Not To Fail At Life”

She performed at a concert. Looking like that. Just…no. Some major bloggers and some media outlets wrote about how she looks like a fucking whale she may have put on a few pounds compared to what she used to look like:

I mean, really though, People? This is the INTERNET. First off, asking someone not to do something on the internet is practically begging them to do it more, if not make an entire meme out of it. Let alone the “Leave Her Alone.” defense being played out not only in elementary school, but also with that Chris Crocker douchebag last year.

Look, Jessica. I know you secretly read my blog, so this goes directly to you: You are fat. Look at you, you need TWO BELTS just to keep your fat from overflowing your outfit. Just accept it. You ate a lot, didn’t exercise enough, and now you are fat. Either do something about it, or don’t, but don’t deny that you aren’t. I don’t want to hear any of this “realistic body image” and “people can’t look like that if they eat correctly” bullshit fat chicks like to spout out of their fat mouths between shoveling ice cream and watching primetime TV. It’s obviously realistic for you; you used to HAVE that body, for gods sake. Like…LAST YEAR.

You didn’t even get pregnant. What the fuck have you been up to? You think you can just go MIA for a while, come back fat and go on stage and expect your fatness to be ignored? Here’s a protip: fire your fucking “yes-man” of a PR manager, he’s obviously fucking horrible at his job. The public wants you thin, so either get thin, or don’t and deal with being called fat for the rest of your career, and that girl that “used to be hot until she got all fat”.

Take Kelly Clarkson, for example. Kelly was always fat. She has been somewhat thin before, but you could tell by her fatty fat cheeks that it was gonna come back. Then again, she didn’t get famous from her looks and faux virginity like you did. For people who like gay pop music, apparently she has “talent”. Girls like Kelly have something I like to call “fat potentiality”. Its when women may not be fat now, but sure as the fucking sun shines they will be soon in the future. Their fatgenes either haven’t kicked in yet (look at their mother…) or they are working out like a crazyass in order to maintain the body they have, and as soon as they start skipping the gym, BOOM, fatass.

So there you have it. Shut the fuck up, go on a diet, and hit the gym. You’ll come back on tour with a great body and then maybe you can make some extra income by telling all the magazines “HOW I DID IT LOL ALL WHILE SACRIFICING NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL, SACRIFICE IS FOR POOR PEOPLE LOL” and give all the other fatasses of the world hope in maintaining a good body without actually doing any work at all. The planets will align, you’ll be hailed as a sex symbol again, and all will be right with the world. Until then, you’re fucking fat.

P.S. fattyfatfatfatfatfattymcfattersonfatfatfatfatfat.